One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighb ors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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He said ??Shall we try swapping positions tonight??
She said ??That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and ****.?
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
owned.
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Hehehe. Good stuff. :D There's also this one:
A wife and husband divorced themselves after he cheated on her, and they are now really on horrible terms - not to say she hates his guts.
One day a fairy appears before her, and grants her three wishes - but the condition is that her ex will receive ten times what she does...
So she thinks for a while, and finally says to the fairy: "First, I want to be filthy rich."
The fairy looks at her doubtfully: "You remember your husband will become the richest man in the world if I do that, right?"
"Go ahead." And poof - she's rich, with a nice house in a warm country a few beautiful cars and so on. Her husband receives a huge estate, marvellous cars, and inherits a large fortune.
"All right, next, I want to be beautiful!" The fairy frowns but goes ahead - the woman becomes strikingly beautiful, people stare at her on the street as she goes by, but the husband becomes so handsome that girls actually throw themselves at his feet in the street.
The fairy is surprise that this does not seem to bother the woman at all. "Have you decided on your third wish?" she asks the woman, who just smirks and replies:
Here's why women will never see eye to eye with men in matters of love: when a man loves a woman, there's nothing he won't do to be with her. It's all he can think of; he can't eat, can't sleep, can't work or do anything else. He absolutely HAS to have that person, no matter what, and the world is a smaller, darker place until that day comes. The only problem for the man is...
That's how women feel about shoes. How are we supposed to compete with that?
Police officer pulled over a speeding car. The Officer says, " I clocked you at 80 mph in a 55 mph zone, sir!"
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, " Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "**** it woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving,"
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
Police officer pulled over a speeding car. The Officer says, " I clocked you at 80 mph in a 55 mph zone, sir!"
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, " Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "**** it woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving,"
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."