For those of you who don't know I've changed positions at work (SHUT UP ALL OF YOU, GET YOU MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!)
Basically I show up at work, do a few reports, then start unloading trucks and checking in freight. The first few hours are about as exciting as a date with LC only I don't have to pay... We usually get a 7pm truck then a 10 and 11pm trucks. Actually the 10 and 11pm trucks usually show up at 6:30pm begging to be unloaded. Flippin whiny truck drivers "I got a family, and a dog and the neighbors 17 year old daughters waiting on me please hurry and unload my truck..."
Anyway, once the store closes the fun begins for me. I operate and electric pallet jack. For those of you who don't know think of a pallet jack with platform to ride on and an electric motor...or just Google the dang thing. Anyway the EPJ (Electric Pallet Jack for those who are sleeping already...) is kind of like surfing on a go cart. It has two speeds slow and RABBIT... Slow is like waiting for an Orc to get to your party, RABBIT is how LCs girlfriend describes relations with him (a fast and furious 30 seconds.)
So basically I pick up pallets in the receiving area and take them to the departments thru out the store so the frieght team can put stuff away. Not too exciting until you figure I'm doing 60 miles per hour on an electric s****** with nothing between me and lots of concrete and steel racks but the wind thru my hair...lol...
Anyway, tonight I'm working hard as usual (not very) when it gets time to take a break. So being a good Orc I decide to practice a few spells. I found an spot in the back of the store and started casting a buff spell...
"Fire of the Gods and flames of hell, burn thru me like Taco Bell... Powers of day and powers of night, please remember to turn on my nightlight... Power of Paagrio, strength of the Orcs, why must people be such dorks... Gibilty gobilty gibilty goop ahh man I gotta ****..."
So I stopped casting and went to the throne room, **** before practice I always say. (Only because my high school teachers didn't like me going on the carpet...) Anyway, there are like 42 stalls in the store bathroom and of course none are clean. So I made a dash for the cleaning closet.
Forty five minutes later (HEY you all know what I'm full of) I put the newspaper down and picked up the roll... I figured it was about time for me to get back from my fifteen minute break anyway. So after carefully adjusting my skirt....errr.. I mean kilt and washing my hands I walked out of the throne room ready to get back to work.
The first thing I noticed when I walked out the door was the stench of the undead (deoderant helps you necro's but it can only do so much.) I'm used to the overnight people looking like the undead (it's a thing we do) but what I saw next surprised me. Coming down the row, bent over and gliding like a pimp with his weapon under is arm was a flippin Doom Knight!!!
It was too late to run, once those things start gliding they are gonna get you. So I stood waiting for the inevitable stun shot that would lead to my death. (Did I bring a blessed rez scroll with me..of course not...) He stopped in front of me, stood at full height and started to spin his weapon over his head. Thats when things started going my way, he got his weapon caught in the racks and couldn't hit me.
Well with my elysian in my truck and nothing but a box cutter in my pocket (no I wasn't happy to see him) I did the first thing that came to mind. Swinging my boot back as far as I could I planted a field goal kick right between the uprights. Surprisingly that actually works on the undead ... Anyway, here this ten foot tall undead knight is in front of me with both hands on the family jewels and a tear running down the front of his face plate. So thinking quickly (hey it happens sometimes) I started climbing the racks.
They way our store is set up all the racking around the restroom area is full of refrigerators (almost ironic I guess). So climbing up to the top as fast as I could I got behind a big side by side Maytag (looks like that dang repair man will get a call after all). With a good hard shove I dropped that fridge on the DoomKnights head. I wasn't sure he was dead until I heard him say...
"WORD..."
Jumping from the racking onto the fridge ( never hurts to be sure) I went to check out the rest of the store. Using all the stealth I could muster to avoid aggro... I manged to aggro another Doom Knight in seconds... Remembering again the lessons taught by my valiant friends Paks and Vaedin I ran like hells... Ok Orc factor three (Orc run speed plus windwalk 2) it ain't exactly blazing but I can out run a doom knight in a pinch.
Time to come up with a weapon I thought..hmm...nope better keep that under the kilt, what else can I use in a hardware warehouse? Rushing to the garden department I looked over the axes and sledge hammers...with no armor I'd be dead quick (Hey t shirt and kilt don't have much pdef). I needed something with range... I thought of nail guns but the but it would take to long to set up the compressor.
Then I had a an ARNOLD moment and knew what I had to do... Running to hardware I grabbed about a dozen circular saw blades (Hey it could work!) The first DoomKnight I saw I whipped a blade at him like a frisbee..he actually laughed at me as it dinged off his armor...
"$%^@#$%^&" I thought.
Glancing to my left I spotted my trusty EPJ standing ready for battle. It's bright yellow paint dinged from many run ins with just about everything, it was my last hope. I made a quick dash to my right and jumped on the EPJ. Hitting the rabbit button I was gone before the doom knight got a swing off...
Time for a plan, but what can I do without gear. Then my Marine Corps training kicked in. (Marines love Orcs, we are already green, saves on camo paint.) With a quick course adjustment I made my way back to lawn and garden. Hmm... fertilizer, propane, grill lighters...hmm.... Homeland Security..hmmm.....terrorist plots... people already assume I'm crazy....hmm... Ok..chainsaws are fun...
With that I grabbed a chain saw and proceeded to quickly cut down the doomknight population. They apparently are weak to gas powered saw weapons (make a mental note). It didn't take too long to cut the doom knights down to size and I ended up right back by the bathroom.
Just as the last of the doom knights faded and I picked up the stem he dropped my manager comes out of the bathroom. Holding the sports section in his hand he looks me over and said...
"Must have been rough to make you sweat that bad. You need more fiber in your diet. Let's get back to work...."
From a friend of mine ... who blurs L2 into RL at times .. hopefully I removed the bulk of the censurable materials ^^